Letter to Alex 6

We're changing the perspective a little. Why? Because that's what we used to do. Reinvent ourselves. Too often perhaps... I still have that weird thing that used to make you laugh, but now, most of my thoughts come in English, not just some. Peculiar. Things are confusing. Everything's kind of blurry and I'm numb. I couldn't react to the whole situation if my life depended upon it. In a more twisted way, it kind of does. And I'm numb. I'm frozen with something. No, this time isn't fear. It's something else. It's such a big mess. I could use your help to clean it up. Though I'm not sure you could clean up this. At least, I could use someone to listen to everything and just try to cheer me up. I'm not allowed to say "I'm sorry". I know you love this one. I do apologize too often for things. Maybe this way I'll stop. Still, I am sorry. I'm in over my head. I have to do things right, especially now, and I can't keep up. It is frustrating, but I believe I just need to get organized. And get some sleep. I'm tired, I'm falling behind with everything and term papers are close. It just doesn't get any better than this. I'm really trying to keep it all together. It's working. It really is. I wish you could tell me. Let me know you're ok, tell me what I should do next. I really miss you these days. You and your weekends with oranges and movies and deep talks followed by laughter. I wish you could come.

 To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never loses. How could it? The particularism of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?